How to fake being a domestic goddess

There are just some women in life who are born into the domestic goddess title, women such as Nigella, Mary Berry, Blake Lively, Martha Stewart, Miranda Kerr or Jessica Alba... It seems inherrent to them and their lives are enviably perfect whilst they casually run empires that rival their well-kept husbands'.

Be a chief stain-remover

You will fool no one into thinking you are a domestic goddess if you can't banish a tricky stain or successfully aid when disaster strikes at a dinner party! Thanks to this handy little guide you will be the go-to-goddess to consult with on stains.

Buy a cheap steam cleaner

Amazon, £34.99

Have you ever watched one of those ads on TV where you see a steam cleaner at work? They prove to be quite literally the most satisfying watching ever. They also produce a very obviously clean look, they can be used on floors, carpets, curtains, children (not really)... The obvious clean look works perfectly in tricking people into believing you are constantly cleaning and best of all, minimal effort!

Fake a show-home

Invest in some luxe cushions and a good-material throw and all you need to do is some plumping and draping for that 'polished' look. Flowers and glossy magazines are an easy and relatively inexpensive to create that lick of simplistic show-home perfection. You can also subscribe monthly so that you don't even have to think about it. And finally, but perhaps most importantly, light a luxury candle!

Always keep an impressive biscuit tin

An important part of being a (fake) domestic goddess is being a good hostess, this involves always being prepared for unexpected visitors. A well-stocked biscuit tin means even those stopping by for tea will be impressed. A real domestic goddess might whip up a simple rosemary or lavender shortbread once a week to keep in the tin but these organic shop-bought will more than suffice.

£1.99, Waitrose

Learn one killer and classic dessert

Practise truly does make perfect. If you pick a classic dessert and finely tune the way you make it (BBC goodfood recipes are great and the tips in the comments really help), then you will suddenly find people are referring to 'your famous' cheesecake, lemon drizzle, crunchie mousse, banoffee, brownies, etc. Eventually, you will be so skilled that you will be able to pull it together in no time and with little thought or effort. 

Create your menu skeleton

Well now that you have your dessert permanently sorted you need to form a general structure that you abide by from season to season. I would recommend a huge sharing plate of an Ottolenghi style salad, served with bought dips in pretty bowls and 'homemade tortilla chips'. I would always follow this with chicken thighs like seriously every time. Not only are chicken thighs delicious but they don't dry out and are relatively unobjectionable. In the Winter you can serve them in an Asian sweet and sticky sauce on a bed of sesame rice, in the Spring with orange and sumac on a bed of couscous with spring onions. The Summer a simple lemon and herb rub with baby new potatoes and coleslaw and then Autumn harissa chicken with bulgar wheat. As with the dessert having a practised formula means much less hassle and skill is required! And always keep pretty paper napkins.

Tortilla chips: cut a tortilla wraps in eighths and then drizzle with olive oil and salt and bake in the oven at 180 degrees Celsius for 3-5 minutes.  

Make up a distraction box for kids

Successfully juggling children is undoubtedly an easy feat for the natural domestic goddess but for those trying to chop veg and stop stray crawlers, I have the solution. Pile together the best and most distractable toys into a very reachable box and shove it within your watchful eyesight then leave them to their own devices!

Use a glass jug

In French restaurants no matter how large or small, you can ask for a 'carafe d'eau' or tap water in English, you will then be presented with a lovely glass bottle of icy water. The small but calculated move of keeping a pretty jug of water in the fridge trumps getting up and down and a less attractive filter. If you are really serious about your newly found domestic goddess role then you can even pile in some lemon, mint, berries or sliced cucumber.

Get your nails done!

A huge part of being a domestic goddess (or fake domestic goddess) is the ease of which you are able to do all of these incredibly efficient things. I would definitely suggest gel polish if you are going to be doing all this cooking and washing to avoid chips and it should last you a few weeks.